Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
