I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
