remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
