well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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