My room smells like vodka and shame
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize