What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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