did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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