Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
