apparently the secret to your success is patron
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
