just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
