Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
