apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
