as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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