I cannot find my penis.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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