By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
