I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
