genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
