"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
