someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
