my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
