Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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