what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
