I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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