Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
