Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Two words: blizzard sex
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
