For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
