i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
