She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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