OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She tied me up with her honor cords...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
