I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
