So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
