The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
