My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
