i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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