I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
