The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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