can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
