I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
