I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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