I accidentally had phone sex last night
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
