do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
