Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
