Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
