Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize