I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
