hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
