I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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