My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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