Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
