At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
