So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
