he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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