I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
