You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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