you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
