i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
