I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
