Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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