ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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