How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
