we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
