I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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