i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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