I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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