there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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