I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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