i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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